Confessions of an Anorexic-Bulimic

I am a recovering Anorexic and Bulimic and I want to talk to you about this disease. At this moment, you may be in the stormy throws of this hideous disorder. You may be starving yourself, over exercising, taking laxatives, binging and purging or any and all of the above. This is a disease that feeds on low self-esteem, guilt, fear of abandonment, feeling like you don't belong, perfectionism and that you have no control. But, you CAN control our body jus kurus langsing. No one can force you to eat. Do these statements resonate with you?

At the beginning of my battle with food, when I was about 14 years old, I would lay on my bed many nights praying for a way to escape my body, wrenching inside, wanting to escape life, wanting to eat but terrified to eat. I was starving but in some strange way, that was comforting for me. Feeling hungry meant that my stomach was empty and flat and that was what I wanted. The only thing that was important to me was that I was thin, that my belly button protruded, like the other skinny girls in the neighborhood that my ribs showed through my skin; and that for once in my life, I actually had a jaw line! But no matter how thin I became, when I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a fat body.

Food was my friend early, especially sweets, like Twinkies and coca-cola. I felt comfort when I was eating. I didn't feel lonely anymore. I felt pleasure when I ate food. Food filled the emptiness I felt.

My spiral downward began when I lost about 8 pounds using one of the popular dieting programs and I remember thinking, wow! I can really do this! I can lose weight! I had power and confidence for the first time in my life. I wasn't the stupid, little, fat girl anymore.

It became a daily morning ritual to step on the scale and I was painstakingly careful to be sure that the needle on the scale was exactly at zero before I stepped aboard. With every pound lost, I felt a sense of accomplishment, which became the driving force that kept me wanting to lose more and more.

My entire life revolved around staying thin. For me, it consumed every thought, every action. But this is not life I assure you, its death. I was literally a walking dead person.

If you are a practicing Anorexic or Bulimic, you are slowly killing yourself! You are weakening your heart muscle, depriving your cells of life-giving nutrients; you're starving your bodily organs, damaging your kidneys and wearing away the enamel on your teeth. This disease can also have a mighty hold on your brain. When it rears its ugly head, those familiar tapes begin to play that you're not good enough, not thin enough to fit into the crowd, and all that other garbage that wreaks havoc on your mind when you're in the throws of this disorder.

You are not alone. I've been right where you are. At the beginning when I was starving myself, I consumed no more than approximately 500 calories per day, sometimes less or nothing at all. I was terrified to eat. My typical breakfast was half of a blueberry muffin (the miniature kind) one piece of bacon and about 4 ounces of orange juice. I would maybe consume a half of a sandwich for lunch, but most times, I did not eat lunch and I didn't eat dinner either. Then, at night, I would sit down with a pound of peanut M-n-M's and consume it all. The next day, or even that night, I would exercise like crazy to be sure I didn't gain weight. This brought me to my lowest weight of 88 pounds and I wanted to keep losing. Literally, I was dying to be thin.

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